Wow! So I need to make some more changes

I really need to get  to be a better blogger! I want to have the blogs I follow listed. So I am going to try to make those changes- plus I need to not only get better at actually taking pictures but of getting them on site. so look for some changes!
H

Tears and rain

Every once in a while some yucky has to come out. And while trying to put on a brave face for the kids- sometimes I just have to let it out. This weekend had some things  I thought I was ready for happen and turns out I wasn't and it was eye opening to see I wasn't really ready and yet sad to know I wasn't ready yet. I've been really trying to get a job and working my butt off to make that happen and yet I am finding very little success- yes me and the rest of the world, I know.
For a combination of reasons- not one specific comment sent me into a tail spin today. I was reminded of what I once had held very dear, and how special, and full of love that was- I thought I was wrong that it had disappeared forever but to see it today- took me by surprise and frankly so did my emotional release.
I've been walking the dog trying to get in some much needed exercise. I've started to enjoy our walks- about 30 minutes- I am trying to work up to an hour and also including the Wii Fit in once or twice a week. The only issue the walking is creating is a deep pain inside the gluteus muscle- really deep. So I have been not sleeping thats how much it hurts. I know I have to get in some exercise -whatever is going on I am thinking that weight loss will help.
I am still working on my friends stole- I dont know what I was thinking that I was halfway finished!

knitted gifts and more

The other day I received a facebook email that my friend was having a partial masectomy (sp?). Her email included lots of medical jargon that I didn't know and...frankly glad I didn't have the occasion to need to know it before now. She is only a few years older than I am so the reality of caring for myself set in. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't scared- scared fo rher scared for the reality of life. Being single , with two kids,uninsured can do that to a gal. I've let my weight and exercise get out of control. While I've always been mor eof a team sport kinda girl- while the ex gave up booze,smokes and me- I never hopped on his health train bandwagon. I believed then- and still do- that his addictive personality traded one negative addiction for a more socially accepted one- but I digress. So after my friend's health crisis I realized that even with the thought of an asthma attack which might easily send me to the E.R. I have to try. I am planning to borrow  a friends Wii Fit to see if I like it.
The other thing my friends scare sent me to  was the yarn store ;)  I bought several skeins of a lovely yarn, then when I go thome I realized that me friends color was not THIS, so I dug through my stash and picked out some lovely green Malabrigo yarn. I LOVE it. I am almost half way through knitting the stole for her- it is turning out great! now C wants one for herself! So pictures when it finally is finished!

Smattering notes

I like the word smattering- it speaks more closely to how my brain works than -random- b/c there is a force behind smattering- doesn't it sound more like smacking you upside the head with randomness? Really.
My long term sub job is finished. I spent several days volunteering at the book fair hoping to stay visible enough that should there really be an opening I can be on the forefront of their minds. Some days I get myself all worked up about my future and how my past is causing a bump in the road. Some days the bump seems more like a brick wall! But hindsight really is 20/20 - obviously if I had known I would have planned differently and I can't do anything about it now.
Yesterday I found out that a dear friend has to have a partial mastectomy. So I did what I do- I got some new yarn, realized it wasn't her color, so I dug through found some more-started again- realized the pattern wasn't going to work, so this morning started again. Third time is a charm. A lovely green in a yummy feel good yarn for a stole/wrap kinda thing. Busy hands allow the brain to work through stuff and I've got some stuff on my mind.
I have finished all the assignments for the online class- I have to work on the final this week. I truly have NOT enjoyed this class. I don't think I am an online kind of student. It feels like pointless busy work to me; I am sure the professor feels differently.
Today is Mothers Day.I have had an interesting relationship with my own mother at times causing me stress, joy, confusion so much so, that at times I wasn't sure I knew how to parent my own daughter. Mostly I wonder if I am filling their heads with worrisome memories or good ones. Things are challenging at best most days and I am often not the parent I want to be but feel so...worn out that it is difficult to be better.There are many days I resent my ex for things- I still feel like he dropped me with the bulk of responsibility and gets to go have fun while I get to do all the hard stuff. If I think about it too much I feel like I am going to spin off the edge so I refuse to allow myself to delve into the anger because I am not sure I will come through the other side and I have to stay whole until I am financially in a  place that with the right steward I can navigate these feelings.

Spring etc.

It has been a while. But I am not aware of anyone actually reading this blog -except for the creator. I've been busy- teaching long term sub for 6th grade language and reading. Taking an online class-not as much fun as I thought. It seems that over the winter I was really in the dumps- and not so happy about my lot in life. Things are beginning mto turnaround. I think the sunny weather helps. I dont want to be a person who has nothing to do but complain- I know the bottled up anger hurts me physically but I also know no one wants to listen to me b!tch everyday about the same things either and how unfair it all is.
My ex is in town this weekend. My daughter wanted Easter at our house but I needed the break. It has been spring break this past week and while I love not having hte routine of wakign super early etc. I would actually like a break myself. So, while he spent saturday at my house I am spending the same time alone house sitting for my friend while she and her family are visiting relative for the holiday. I have a STACK of papers to grade. I dont love the grading. I also have to finish the assignment for my own class work. And I am trying to be happier, alone with the full parental responsibilities and not be angry that I am raising two kids alone. I said trying -not that I was succeeding.

This and That

So I came here to tell you

• my Ravelympics mittens didn't quite make the closing ceremony! Yikes. But I am proud that I tried and they are almost finished the outer shell.
• I started a long term sub job teaching 6th grade Language Arts/ Reading.  Shakespeare Unit this had seriously better lead to my own classroom or else I am going to possible go quite mad.
• the online class I am taking is sending me up the wall- the textbook has writing like the bible on pages jsut as thin :(
• My ex dropped the kids off News Years day and well.. that about 9 weeks. I posted a FB wall post that says 9 weeks without seeing your kids = loser- to get an email from his sister saying she has offered to help- blah blah and that Jacob can see what I write- and she knows how I feel- Um HI- you move back home and your mother took care of your ONE child- how exactly is that like my situation?
• If I dont hge t ajob by the end of August I have to make some BIG changes.- like relocating.

09 Tree

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Originally uploaded by heathersews