Sunday, June 21, 2009
Fathers Day is a bittersweet day for me. I no longer have my father in my life- by my own design. This year the munchins are with their dad so I've had all day to contemplate my life- where it is now and where it has been, and too where I want it to head.I often wonder if it bothers my father that his oldest two children have excluded him from their lives. The thought that my two muchins might ever NOT want me in their lives, the thought doesn't sit well. Sometimes a person has to cut their losses. That may sound harsh- but I at least owe it to my children not to subject them to lies and betrayal and sorrow. Yet, as a child of that man- he has inexplicably affected the way that I parent my munchins. So often throughout the last two yeard, goign through the hurt of the impending divorce, I insisted to myself, to friends, to my ex- that having my children grow up the way I did was NOT an option.So much of what I do is a reaction to that upbringing. Many times I have backed down, rolled over, been a doormat - to keep the peace, turning the other cheek has left me bruised and a bit heart hurt. I am not sayign I am perfect (watch out for the lightning)but I really am trying to do my best. To my children on fathers day: I know some days it is no fun having me be both parents, I know I get grumpy and tired, and angry- but I am holding your hand in this journey.