Well crappers! I left the camera in my car- it was cold- i thought it was the battery but new battery and... still not working so... crappers I say! But I leave with many objectives today: I must study for the final in my class Tuesday night;finish the quilt top for nephews gift;cut out five bags! from here: http://greenbaglady.blogspot.com/ If I can figure out the rest of how to link I will!
So I am back to the unemployed status. I am using this time to get caught up on some things I neglected. I think sometimes people have NO clue about how hard it is to be a single parent of two. The ex is in FL and has seen the kiddos 2x since August. I hav eone more class to take and then all the paperwork to turn in to try to get a job teaching- maybe this year some people will retire.
Kiddos will be with Ex for Turkey day. My heart broke when little one said "I hope dad doesn't buy us fried chicken for thanksgiving dinner" . Divorce is right up there next to death of a parent in terms of devastation.
While trying to catch up on the two owed blocks- little one appliqued a tree, alone!
I am having to make some tough decisions. I can not afford to live where we live right now. Unfortunately, the schools where we can afford are NOT good. I may have to make some decision I dont want to make. I dont feel comfortable giving voice to that choices right now- but ... I will never again look the same way at being a parent.
I am working on my mountain of laundry, but I wanted to pop in. We Made It! thorught the first week of school. Some of you know that I have been a stay at hoem mom for -well since J was born in 8/99.I have had PT jobs but nothing that required me to put my kids in daycare or the like. POST big "D" I need to go back to teaching, I tried for two years to get a job in some other field that pays better but the lack of history (um... stay at home mom does NOT fill a resume lol) I took a job at the MD zoo- but that was during school hours.
This week was challenging. The little one is in no way a mornign person so the 6 a.m. alarm is very, well, alarming. We managed after some small bumps in the road. Like the daycare NOT having her listed the first day. YIKES! I am secretly lovign being back in the class room. It isn't my class- I am only a long term sub til November when the regular teacher comes back from maternity with twins. Things happen and this is a great way for me to discover if I want to be back. Both J and C like their teachers and are planning for a great year. J started soccer and C missed field hockey! I think being on a team the next town over is NOT the best idea. Next year we are definitely going to have to pick closer. I also think I may have to speak to some people about J's handwriting. It will be a problem for him if this continues and each teacher has seemed to dismiss it as his laziness but I really dont think that is it. Confession: I finally GET the serenity prayer. I'd be a liar if I thought I understood all along but now I have a better understanding. Several times this week I thought"this being so hard is all his fault" . It was hard, very hard. But my choices right now are limited. Clarity on some issues is beginning.I can't change that he isn't here to help, I can't change that he doesn't want to be married, I can't change that he is so awful with finances that it creates bad situations for him, I can't change that he is selfish. But I can change my attitude (thank you Victor Frankel).A few times this week I thought"this would be so much easier if he were here. But then I remembered I was romanticizing his involvement. He wasn't really present-a partner. Nope, not him. I think my kids haven't had the most difficult of times b/c for them the erson they depended on is still here every day showing up. He can make it A OK for him by telling himself he isn't as bad as xy or z father, at the end the kids know who to turn to. I am so proud of the kids for this past week. J has been fantastic in the mornings and C is trying VERY hard. I love em!
I got this baby at a second hand store! I took it in and had it serviced and now I can't wait to get into it. I might be able to get Kerie's blovk finished! Im running a bit late with that. I think this is a 15-91 based on some research I was able to do. She's not rusty at all and I am ever so excited- $40.00 well spent.
BEWARE LONG POST! I have started this post several times. Wasn't sure about the tone or mood I was in and reconsidered. :) I dont even think anyone is reading this blog anyway but in case I wanted to convey the right mood I was in. I have been surprised by others and also surprising myself the last few years (years!) After the big "D" I was in panic mode. Panic mode can be productive- I moved to a great school district to ensure the kids were ok educationally. But that means higher rent payments. I made food choices that were convenient- which caused me to gain weight. I was/am ? caugt in a cycle of tired, angry, lazy. Now the ex is returning to live in our house Florida and some of my greatest fears about divorce have crept up and paralyzed me in many areas. My friends have listened to me moan and groan and I have isolated myself of them b/c I know I am no fun to be around. I haven't picked up my knitting needles in MONTHS! Haven't logged on to Ravelry. In fairness I have been sewing a lot over the summer. But I am having a kick in the pants right now. When you get broken by soemone else it is hard to keep your chin up and after the news my focus was on protecting my children from my anger/confusion/scared feelings. I needed to be the grown up and their soft place to land. The last 6 months I have slowly been allowing myself to feel the feelings I stuffed in order to shield them from the crazy. The regurgitation has been bitter and ugly. The "X" has said hurtful and hateful things lately because he is scared and his lack of plans and financial issues are causign him to lash out at me. Some of the things he has said were untrue and kind of like kicking a dog when it is down. The shock and awe of the "D" shook me to my core of what I thought was my life. When an emotional stab like that occurs it is natural for one to doubt themselves and not trust that they can make good decisions. I presented to my children that I was completely capable- I took a PT job right away. I forced myself to function and with a smile. At some point the fascade cracks and the real face of the pain comes through- that is what I have been facing- as well as the aftermath of stuffing the pain. For several months the fascade has been chipping away and his announcement of the move to FL. caused a serious piece to fall away. I felt so angry that he had the luxury of doing what he wants when he wants- he has all his own free time without having to deal with multiple schedules etc. I didn't want to have children on my own. I wanted a partner. And now in many ways I feel lost and rudderless in the sea he dropped us in. But several times I have had these moments of clarity- like someone else shining a flashlight on a piece of truth I couldn't see. One of the thigns I kept repeating in my head was "how am I going to handle the snow days, sick days etc?" when a flashlight shown on "he didn't help out with these before" . DING DING!!! One of the major things has been money. I am REALLY good at thrifting. I managed to get several pairs of jeans for the kids upcoming school year by shopping at many of the local second hand stores.I have a small amount of credit card debt from using them when things were tight or I hadn't planned well-but overall it really could be much worse. I have been thinkign about what I need to do to get a job. I stayed home for about 8 years until the "D" prior to that I taught HS English for one and a half years. The first half year was a long term sub. Then that year as "first year teacher" I was pregnant and didn't return.
Thursday I got offered a long term sub job for a teacher who just had twins. I am scared and excited, nervous, etc. Childcare issues are on my mind. I need to be at the school at 7:10. My kids don't get on the bus until 8:40- soooo really nervous about all of this. My little one is NOT a morning person and she will need to arrive at the morning care palce at 6:30 in order for me to make it to the school 30 minutes away. This could be the break I need. I didn't say want. It became apparent when the "D" came that I was going to need a job with big bucks and well teaching doesn't fit that bill.But it fits many other bills. So I am taking one of the three classes I need to get recertified in MD. I am supposed to show up MONDAY! as in tomorrow!
Miss C sewing for the Mountain Baby blanket project. We've been buying scrap bags at the local quilt store and sewing them into 9 patch blocks! She is loving it and I may be teaching a beginner class! The machine is a Bernina 801. I picked it up at the second hand store! It has a great hard case. It didn't have a footpedal so I got one and got it cleaned and adjusted and gave it to her. She's 8. She needs my help for bobbins/jams/ threadign but the actual control- she is learning nicely.Sometimes she sews like a race car driver lol!
This quilt is for my friends boys. I made each of them one- One of the boys has agreen border and backing and one has an orange. Going around the asteroid belt was.. challenging.
This is for my grandmother. She had a gas explosion and lost everything. All the family quilt she had are gone- so I figured I could help her start the process of reforming her stash! Not finished yet but I will post when I finish quilting it. It is currently hanging in my dining room beckoning me!
Sometimes it feels like I am beating my head against a wall. It seems that while I was trying to plan my life LIFE had other ideas. I am mad and angry about quite abit and feeling like things are very unfair. However, in this brief moment of clarity (thank you starbucks!) I do realize that being angry is getting me...nowhere. That being said it doesn't mean that I am over being angry or scared or that I have stopped asking why. But maybe I can turn those feelings into a more productive outcome. A good thing my two close friends don't actually KNOW eachother. What I mean to say by that is, one a friend from college lives about a 20 minute drive away- but we rarely get to see eachother. The other friend, new within the last two years (since returning to MD)has become very close and dear while we both sort through this mess of our separate divorces. It seems as if I have been an unknowing party to their total agreement about my life. Nope, they haven't talked about it but they both think I should,and CAN, they have faith in my ability to sell the things I make. "what was that? You say?" seriously. While I presently have no faith in myself they are both separately prodding me to sell my wares. And they MAY have talked me into trying it.
Today was a great day. My little ladybug made me a gorgeous breakfast! She was so proud of herself too. I hope that the days of strife and my anger do not color their world too much. They have to discover some things by themselves. He can say what he wants to hurt me but he better be armed if he hurts them with his lack of planning and false hopes he has been giving them. I am struggling with the right balance as a buffer. Some days keeping it together is harder than others and today has been challenging. I never thought that at 36 I would feel like such a loser, divorced, unemployed and seemingly undesireable to hire, and without a plan that seems feasible. I want to be strong and brave and say haha I will show you but really...I dont think I have the energy. The anger is bubbling over the top and I dont know if I can keep it contained. I am just so damn angry and it seems unfair.I seriously dont even know where to turn to figure out how to turn this all around.
NOw I dont get too many weekends and with my current lack of employment- hoping ot remedy that soon- I am trying to stay on budget and also have some single- girl time. This Saturday I went out with my friend and we were able to avoid the hotel issue by staying with her brother and his wife. The reason this is even important is (other than the entire day to recover) is that it is hard to watch someone who does not appear to be happy in their marriage. Maybe once you've been down that road and you have th eability to look back things that perhaps were once overlooked become glaringly obvious. Things that people don't often notice- but a lack of touching or heck even polite conversation, or ANY conversation is a pretty big key. It is painful to watch and yet- these two being virtually unknown by me, certainly wouldn't listen to what I have to say. There were some ackward moments, tense moments in the car, and some unsolicitated opinions offered. Some times, in my post divorce wisdom, I want to scream out "this is the small stuff- dont sweat this" b/c really so much is just about being "right" and not to beat a dead horse but Dr.Phil has nailed- would you rather be right or happy? There is a beautiful thing to surrender that need for "right" to be able to duck under that wave and just ride it. Often in my dealings with my MR.X I have had to learn to bite my tongue, take the high road, and basically just surrender to the lack of control I have over MOST of it. There are days when my anger gets the better of me and the vile taste of fear creeps in and I think I can't do this.. but then..some small little voice reminds me that I am doing it and mostly doing a good job.
so... the little one take an ambu ride to get 7 stitches.the ex told me he is moving back to Florida and then I got a ticket for a brake light out.For some reason I though tit would be a good idea to babysit my 2 year old neice for 3 days, follow that up with a transport of a rescue dog, then babysit my neighbors- not-yet-housebroken- puppy. Say "NO" much? apparently not. And the fighting continued with the phone/internet company, then to be followed up with a well known fitness center b/c I unknowingly signed my two elementary aged children up for 3 (!!!) years (!!!) of karate. So this weekend the kids are with the ex. I am supposed to go to Annapolis with my friend and stay over night at her brothers house. I love hanging out with her. She is fun and smart, sometimes I feel like I am not a good friend to her b/c I say things that are meant to be funny and it hurts her feelings. I am planning on curbing that. I am very aware of how men react to her b/c my own atractivenes is suffering. Since the last year in Florida until today I've put on about 40 lbs. I thought joining a gym woudl help but my kids are too old to go into their "childcare" area. So... I better get my butt on th epavement. I tried running thi sspring and that's when I ended up in ER with severe sciatica. So since I have no insurance I think I need to walk, and walk and walk. in fact I better go put on some shoes and mow the grass- that counts as exercise right?
Fathers Day is a bittersweet day for me. I no longer have my father in my life- by my own design. This year the munchins are with their dad so I've had all day to contemplate my life- where it is now and where it has been, and too where I want it to head.I often wonder if it bothers my father that his oldest two children have excluded him from their lives. The thought that my two muchins might ever NOT want me in their lives, the thought doesn't sit well. Sometimes a person has to cut their losses. That may sound harsh- but I at least owe it to my children not to subject them to lies and betrayal and sorrow. Yet, as a child of that man- he has inexplicably affected the way that I parent my munchins. So often throughout the last two yeard, goign through the hurt of the impending divorce, I insisted to myself, to friends, to my ex- that having my children grow up the way I did was NOT an option.So much of what I do is a reaction to that upbringing. Many times I have backed down, rolled over, been a doormat - to keep the peace, turning the other cheek has left me bruised and a bit heart hurt. I am not sayign I am perfect (watch out for the lightning)but I really am trying to do my best. To my children on fathers day: I know some days it is no fun having me be both parents, I know I get grumpy and tired, and angry- but I am holding your hand in this journey.
So school is almost over only 2 more half days left! Yippee. I realized this morning I will get to "sleep in" too. my one pumpkin head doesn't really do mornings. I spent a good chunk of the morning on the phone trying to figure out if I can take the class I need to get recertified to teach. THE LONG STORY A little over twelve years ago there was a girl who wanted to believe in happy ever after. Very soon in the beginning of her married life she and her WAShusband decided that staying hom einstead of continuing to teach at the local high school was a better choice for their family. Another child, a move out of state, one MAJOR F- UP! , an admission of alcoholism, two cases of lung cancer and you put it all together and what do you get = divorce. Of course I am forgoing many of the details - because who wants to read all the uglies? So the kids and I moved back to MD, leaving the sunshine state behind, good riddance. So now that the state has finally figured out what I need to do to get recertified, the local university has me listed as an out of state student (hello- tax payer 2years), and a lost transcript later! and I am planning to take the class at the local community college IF I can get a sitter- 5 weeks 4 days a week. YIKEZERS.