Sunday, August 23, 2009

Almost over- new beginnings

I have started this post several times. Wasn't sure about the tone or mood I was in and reconsidered. :)
I dont even think anyone is reading this blog anyway but in case I wanted to convey the right mood I was in.
I have been surprised by others and also surprising myself the last few years (years!) After the big "D" I was in panic mode. Panic mode can be productive- I moved to a great school district to ensure the kids were ok educationally. But that means higher rent payments. I made food choices that were convenient- which caused me to gain weight. I was/am ? caugt in a cycle of tired, angry, lazy. Now the ex is returning to live in our house Florida and some of my greatest fears about divorce have crept up and paralyzed me in many areas.
My friends have listened to me moan and groan and I have isolated myself of them b/c I know I am no fun to be around. I haven't picked up my knitting needles in MONTHS! Haven't logged on to Ravelry. In fairness I have been sewing a lot over the summer.
But I am having a kick in the pants right now. When you get broken by soemone else it is hard to keep your chin up and after the news my focus was on protecting my children from my anger/confusion/scared feelings. I needed to be the grown up and their soft place to land. The last 6 months I have slowly been allowing myself to feel the feelings I stuffed in order to shield them from the crazy. The regurgitation has been bitter and ugly. The "X" has said hurtful and hateful things lately because he is scared and his lack of plans and financial issues are causign him to lash out at me. Some of the things he has said were untrue and kind of like kicking a dog when it is down. The shock and awe of the "D" shook me to my core of what I thought was my life. When an emotional stab like that occurs it is natural for one to doubt themselves and not trust that they can make good decisions. I presented to my children that I was completely capable- I took a PT job right away. I forced myself to function and with a smile.
At some point the fascade cracks and the real face of the pain comes through- that is what I have been facing- as well as the aftermath of stuffing the pain. For several months the fascade has been chipping away and his announcement of the move to FL. caused a serious piece to fall away. I felt so angry that he had the luxury of doing what he wants when he wants- he has all his own free time without having to deal with multiple schedules etc. I didn't want to have children on my own. I wanted a partner. And now in many ways I feel lost and rudderless in the sea he dropped us in. But several times I have had these moments of clarity- like someone else shining a flashlight on a piece of truth I couldn't see. One of the thigns I kept repeating in my head was "how am I going to handle the snow days, sick days etc?" when a flashlight shown on "he didn't help out with these before" . DING DING!!!
One of the major things has been money. I am REALLY good at thrifting. I managed to get several pairs of jeans for the kids upcoming school year by shopping at many of the local second hand stores.I have a small amount of credit card debt from using them when things were tight or I hadn't planned well-but overall it really could be much worse.
I have been thinkign about what I need to do to get a job. I stayed home for about 8 years until the "D" prior to that I taught HS English for one and a half years. The first half year was a long term sub. Then that year as "first year teacher" I was pregnant and didn't return.

Thursday I got offered a long term sub job for a teacher who just had twins. I am scared and excited, nervous, etc. Childcare issues are on my mind. I need to be at the school at 7:10. My kids don't get on the bus until 8:40- soooo really nervous about all of this. My little one is NOT a morning person and she will need to arrive at the morning care palce at 6:30 in order for me to make it to the school 30 minutes away. This could be the break I need. I didn't say want. It became apparent when the "D" came that I was going to need a job with big bucks and well teaching doesn't fit that bill.But it fits many other bills. So I am taking one of the three classes I need to get recertified in MD. I am supposed to show up MONDAY! as in tomorrow!

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