Sunday, May 9, 2010

Smattering notes

I like the word smattering- it speaks more closely to how my brain works than -random- b/c there is a force behind smattering- doesn't it sound more like smacking you upside the head with randomness? Really.
My long term sub job is finished. I spent several days volunteering at the book fair hoping to stay visible enough that should there really be an opening I can be on the forefront of their minds. Some days I get myself all worked up about my future and how my past is causing a bump in the road. Some days the bump seems more like a brick wall! But hindsight really is 20/20 - obviously if I had known I would have planned differently and I can't do anything about it now.
Yesterday I found out that a dear friend has to have a partial mastectomy. So I did what I do- I got some new yarn, realized it wasn't her color, so I dug through found some more-started again- realized the pattern wasn't going to work, so this morning started again. Third time is a charm. A lovely green in a yummy feel good yarn for a stole/wrap kinda thing. Busy hands allow the brain to work through stuff and I've got some stuff on my mind.
I have finished all the assignments for the online class- I have to work on the final this week. I truly have NOT enjoyed this class. I don't think I am an online kind of student. It feels like pointless busy work to me; I am sure the professor feels differently.
Today is Mothers Day.I have had an interesting relationship with my own mother at times causing me stress, joy, confusion so much so, that at times I wasn't sure I knew how to parent my own daughter. Mostly I wonder if I am filling their heads with worrisome memories or good ones. Things are challenging at best most days and I am often not the parent I want to be but feel so...worn out that it is difficult to be better.There are many days I resent my ex for things- I still feel like he dropped me with the bulk of responsibility and gets to go have fun while I get to do all the hard stuff. If I think about it too much I feel like I am going to spin off the edge so I refuse to allow myself to delve into the anger because I am not sure I will come through the other side and I have to stay whole until I am financially in a  place that with the right steward I can navigate these feelings.

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